[eats all your cotton candy]
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I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
*has no idea what a book even is*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?