@Cpin42: Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
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@tsm560: My ex-girlfriend is getting divorced from my ex-best friend and I didn't think it was possible to be this happy.
@ramblinma: I'm not saying I want a divorce, it's just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
@BenjaminJS: Martin Shkreli at prison commissary: "Can I buy shower sandals?" "That'll be $700" "I thought it was $13.50" "The price suddenly went up"
@LostInAisle3: It never fails: whenever I'm at a crime scene, analyzing blood splatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I'm a CSI.