i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
You Might Also Like
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I love snow
– People who never shovel