Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
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My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“no gods no masters” = leo
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug