Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*