Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.