“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….