Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Huge, if true.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.