Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
You Might Also Like
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
there’s probably a fee though
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
crying
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
God has abandoned us.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!