Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
You Might Also Like
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”