Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
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Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Batman v Dracula
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH