Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Where’s my employee discount too?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.