@CulturedRuffian: Our 'thoughts and prayers' go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
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@Brampersandon_: *walks into funeral while playing the mandolin* "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?" *dead guy sits up in casket* No it sounds lovely. Keep going
@ibid78: You kids have no idea how lucky you are. Back in my day we had to shave our jokes into the sides of cats and throw those cats at passers by.
@WeissBrandon: Cop: FREEZE, DON'T MOVE!!! Me: *stops moving* Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me:... Cop: NOW! Me:... Me:... Cop: for the love of god...unfreeze
@hilariouswifey: I don't always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.