@astutenewf: 13: Dad, What's detour mean? Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.

@GetCougarized: The best things in life are free. Like your neighbor's wifi, their morning paper & their liquor cabinet while they're away, for instance.

@Douchekevin: Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying "My period is late".

@MarlonBrandNO: Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

@WilliamAder: Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I'm doing important volunteer work.