@JD_Barney: According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

@StcyBnsn: Back seat drivers are all the same.. "Why we going into the woods?" "Let me out"

@TheBoydP: I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I'm not just goofing off.

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks? ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card? INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@MattMcC1: the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.