“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
You Might Also Like
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
i hate you platonically
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.