@fatherofcomedy: Our wedding pic looks like my wife's selfie photo bombed by me.
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@PaperWash: "I hope they bought enough beer so they won't notice how much I'm drinking" -My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
@sad_tree: [courtroom] Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID Shark: I'm telling you idk *whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
@knotta_tardfan: I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.