@fatherofcomedy: Our wedding pic looks like my wife's selfie photo bombed by me.
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@truegritrumble: Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
@KalvinMacleod: [funeral] ME: I never know what to say at these things. WIDOW: sorry for your loss. ME: it's ok, I'm sure I'll think of something.
@Laser_Cat: America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.