@fatherofcomedy: Our wedding pic looks like my wife's selfie photo bombed by me.
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@HitsBelowBelt: You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat? Ya, that's arrhythmia. You can die from that.
@robwhisman: reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
@juliecursively: HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: ... Do you have a charger I can use?