@fatherofcomedy: Our wedding pic looks like my wife's selfie photo bombed by me.
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@MableGertrude: I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
@Mr_Kapowski: Usually when I try to be slick and say "keep the change," the money I've handed over doesn't cover what I'm trying to purchase
@crylenol: *pops out of casket at funeral* ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say
@robdelaney: I'm literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.