Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My patience has stretch marks.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
thanksgiving in nutshell
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.