Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
2023 was just a warmup
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”