*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
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One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.