Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
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Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?