Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
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Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Ok, but like, how married are you?