[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
fired
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
how to exercise your calf muscles
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.