me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Weighing up my bread heating options
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good