Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
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Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”