Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
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the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Thursday
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!