@Sassafrantz: Out of all the children's stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How's someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh
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@InternetHippo: "What are you doing, idiot?" – me, to other drivers on the road "What are you doing, idiot?" – me, to myself, in all other situations
@murrman5: [interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes
@bobvulfov: FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend ME: generic excuse FRIEND: did u just say "generic excuse"
@tarashoe: ME: i'd like to get rid of all this PERSONAL TRAINER: you're just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body ME: and my head