@ClassicMegan: Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.
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@simoncholland: All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
@TheGladStork: Wife: why are you smiling? [realizing if Blue from Blue's Clues and Clifford had puppies they'd be purple] Me: I was thinking about you.
@Smooheed: Jobs I'd be shit at: -brain surgeon -rocket scientist -ventriloquist -goat herder -sober person thingy
@markleggett: Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.