Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage