@SummerRay: Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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@thenatewolf: *I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace* ME: Holy shit, that's sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
@DontDraketheIce: Detective: how were u able to do it? Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
@ianabramson: I'm the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
@RaisingOneBrow: George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.