Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
You Might Also Like
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears