@SummerRay: Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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@LeBearGirdle: Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
@TitansHomer: Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing?? What about that really cool hashtag we made? They didn't free them when they saw it??
@hippieswordfish: CARTOON VILLAIN: how did you know it was me who robbed the bank COP: you were literally carrying around giant bags with dollar signs on them