Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Damn he played himself
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
💯😂