I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
synchronized noseblowing
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*