out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”