Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
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broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
This squirrel eats better than I do
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.