@ericonederful: Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It's been 15 minutes.
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@NatBaimel: 17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
@dorsalstream: Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach! DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I've trained my whole life for this moment.
@LorieGZ: Found $12 bucks today! Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
@LeBearGirdle: Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client's mouth bleeding? Dentist: he doesn't floss Me: You hit me! D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don't floss