@ericonederful: Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It's been 15 minutes.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant.
@daemonic3: [dj voice] "What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?" [dads in unison] DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
@TylerActually: You know, gas prices really aren't that bad when you consider that you're essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.
@the_anastasia: It's funny how all those "best places in the world" lists always forget to include the Internet.