Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 馃檮
You Might Also Like
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he鈥檚 just eating those like Pac-Man
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
The pasta is now
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap 鈥榚m, slap 鈥榚m hard
Pro tip:
Don鈥檛 drop the remote on your wife鈥檚 face when she falls asleep in your lap
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
*puts words between two asterisks*
relationship goals
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they鈥檙e drinking enough water.