If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do