[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.