Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
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Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password