[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.