[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it