Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
respect
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword