@donni: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it's every man for himself
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@LaziestCanine: Cashier: find everything okay? Me: yes [comes back 5 hours later] Me: [through the tears] i lied, i've been trying to find Kony since 2012
@dshack8: Wife: We get 1 "cheat meal" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. …And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I'll assume you're Benjamin Button and unfriend you.