Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
dam girl
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.