[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
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The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”