[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
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Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
when someone compliments me
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that