when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]