Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
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*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My favorite farside!!
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.