If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
when there are deer in the woods
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.