To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….