Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.