*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
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Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
No. YOU-buprofen.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.