*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I’m awake but I object,
Autocorrect is my menesis
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.