Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
You Might Also Like
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…