my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
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I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says