Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
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Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
yall want some gasoline milk
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy