Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.